courageous fear

people think i'm so brave. they say things like, "Wow, you're so courageous to head to another country on your own with just a travel book and your backpack!" it's not really like that. well, okay it is really like that. that's just my style for traveling. but it's not all that courageous. it's just what works for me. i like (and need) this flexibility and freedom. it's part of what keeps me sane and able to live in rochester and enjoy it for the rest of my year. everybody has things they're good at and things they're not. i'm good at traveling. this doesn't make me brave. my travels were actually initially (10 or so years ago) fear-based and part of my avoidance plan. things in my family got waay too tough for me to handle, so i took off. again and again and again... i needed these breaks and times away. i used to always dread returning "home" afterwards. i'm not running away anymore, i'm just taking time to refresh and rejuvenate and enjoy other parts of our great planet. i usually am even glad to be coming back by the end of my trip. this is HUGE for me.

courageous people are not without fear, they just handle it well.

i often find myself frozen in fear. sometimes it's small and passes quickly and other times it's huge and seems like it won't ever end. i've been literally paralized by fear a few times and it's horrible. there's this conversation that can happen in my head where the logical sensible Cori is telling the irrational frozen Cori how things are and what needs to happen next, but the terrified Cori won't listen to the logical Cori and so i stay frozen. though they don't happen often, i don't know if or when these panic attacks will stop. it doesn't seem like i get to pick when they hit.

i've recently been doing some digging and am realizing that fear can be a driving force in my life, if i don't work to make things different. left unworked on, i would be a walking scaredy cat. i understand this - there has been pain, hurt, abuse, abandonment, neglect in my life. i can't however live happily and always scared. i need to remember that i can make choices about my daily thoughts, words, and actions.

i know that i will have to face and endure heartache again. i know that more pain will find it's way into my life. i may even create some of it myself. ;) i expect to suffer and heal and grow and hurt. i won't however keep myself from living and trying and risking. even if i try to live under my turtle shell, protecting my heart and self, these things will still happen. so, it makes sense that i should not try to avoid these, but simply live and know that they will come and that i will, God willing, keep on living through them, right?

i'm aware that this sounds obvious. i think i've known this (in my head) for some time, but haven't been willing to admit it or move forward. i have this big disconnect between my head and my heart. i've been trying to work on it for what seems like ages. i still have a long way to go.

thanks for listening. :)